grief for the living
by khaleesifromdc
Summary: I found a great, big hole in the middle of my life Shaped just like my heart, just like my heart


in the first nights, he could easily hear her sobs; they were the only sound in the dark. he didn't know what to say, or even what to do. what in the world could make the pain of losing a son go away?

it was true, william wasn't dead. but the thought of never seeing your child again was pretty much the same, especially for dana scully - the woman who had given everything up. her career, her family, her own beliefs and even her child - all to seek the truth. to become a outsider with him. only to find out that the truth wasn't that charming. he didn't know what to say, so he just stood there, by her side. like he always did. like he always would.

she cried every night for a long time.

xXxXxXx

"what do you think he's doing?" she asks, her hands entwined with his.

"i think.." he pauses, his lips half-opened, letting the moonlight dip his profile. "i think he's sleeping. it's almost 3am, after all."

he tries to be funny, but funny doesn't fit the fact, funny doesn't fit their conversations so much lately.

"fuck, mulder. i'm serious." she stops for a minute. "do you think he's happy?"

he looks at her, and notices a single tear formed in the corner of her eye. he catches it with his thumb before it falls, and strokes her cheek.

"i want to believe he is. i want to believe that he runs around his house everyday, playing with little toys. i want to believe he sings and jumps and laughs and makes all kinds of questions. i want to believe he has your smile." he swallows. it's hard for him to talk about it.

she looks at him, her blue eyes now full of tears, and smiles. "i want, too. but i can't help thinking..."

his thumb goes directly to her mouth, making it impossible to her to finish her sentence.

"don't."

if it's hard for him, it's even worst for her.

xXxXxXx

"he would have turned seven today", she whispers while having dinner.

the mood of the room becomes ten times darker. he blinks at her, the information hitting him like a punch in the face. for a few moments, the only sound that they can hear is the silverware scrapping on their plates.

"he is turning seven, scully." he drinks his water, trying to look calm. but his voice sounds uncertain.

"you don't know that."

he didn't. neither of them did.

the lack of information had made them go slightly insane over the years. they had lived at total distance from the rest of the world. scully had taken a job at a near hospital, more for her sanity than for the money, but that was it for her. as for mulder... he had lived in a total isolation. that was the price to pay, he guessed. it was a very high price.

"you're right, i don't. he could be dead right now." she gasps, incredulously with his affirmation. she opens her mouth, willing to arguement against that cruel statement, but he continues to speak before she has the chance to say something. "but he could be alive, and happy, and healthy as well. so why do you have to think the worst?"

"because the worst is usually what happens to us! look at our lives, mulder. my sister, your father, your mother, our careers, our son. everything was taken away from us. do you think this isn't the worst?"

he didn't move. he had no answer for that. because it was all true.

her eyes were full of tears, but there was a darkness there too. the look in her face, the despair, made him realize for the first time how much she had changed over these last couple of years. she wasn't yelling at him, her tone was intense, but calm; it would be better if there were some yelling, in his opinion.

he takes a deep breathe. "i'm not saying... i'm just.. we gotta have hope, scully. it's what makes me want to get out of bed every day. hope that the future will be better for us. hope that our son is growing up, and will someday be a good man."

the tears started to fall once more. she brushes them, quickly. she didn't like to be weak. she couldn't afford that. he took her in his arms, hugging her tight.

"we gotta have hope, scully. it's the only way."

she knows he's right. she's still fighting her tears; he strokes her head. she finally loses it, and sobs into his arms.

"i just miss him so much."

they stay there for a long time.

after all, the only thing that wasn't taken away from them are each other.


End file.
